A large database of jokes from various categories.

kids funny pictures

2008-03-24T04:04:00.000-07:00

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2008-03-24T03:59:00.000-07:00

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Men are Like . .

2008-03-16T12:59:00.000-07:00

MEN are like.....

MEN ARE LIKE . . . Floor Tiles, if you lay them right the first time, you canwalk all over them for years

MEN ARE LIKE . . . Bank Accounts, without a lot of money, they dont generate much interest

MEN ARE LIKE . . . Blenders, you need one, but you're not quite sure why

MEN ARE LIKE . . . Coffee, the best ones are rich, warm and can keep you upall night long.

MEN ARE LIKE . . . Commercials, you cant believe a word they say.

MEN ARE LIKE . . . Computers, hard to figure out and never have enough memory.

MEN ARE LIKE . . . Government Bonds, they take so long to mature.

MEN ARE LIKE . . . Parking Spots, the good ones are already taken and the ones that are left are handicapped or extremely small.

MEN ARE LIKE . . . Popcorn, they satisfy you, but only for a little while.

MEN ARE LIKE . . . Place Mats, they only show up when there's food on thetable.

MEN ARE LIKE . . . Used Cars, both are easy-to-get, cheap and unreliable

MEN ARE LIKE . . . Bananas, the older they get, the less firm they are.

MEN ARE LIKE . . . Crystal, some look real good, but you can still see rightthru them.

2008-03-16T12:52:00.000-07:00

A Loving Wife . . . ?

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.

After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone.He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die.Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal he can take to work. And for dinner, prepare an especially nice meal for him.

Don't burden him with chores, as this couldfurther his stress.

Don't discuss your problems with him; it will only make his stress worse. Try to relax your husband in the evening by wearing lingerie and giving him plenty of backrubs.

Encourage him to watch some type of team sporting event on television. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health.

On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say?"

"You're going to die," she replied.

2008-03-16T12:42:00.000-07:00

The Man Dictionary

"IT'S A GUY THING"

Translated: "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."

"CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?"

Translated: "Why isn't it already on the table?"

"UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," OR "YES, DEAR"

Translated: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditionedresponse.

"IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN"

Translated: "I have no idea how it works."

"TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD."

Translated: "I can't hear the game over the vacuumcleaner."

"THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR.

"Translated: "Are you still talking?"

"YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS."

Translated: "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed, and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."

"I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU, AND GOT YOU THESE ROSES."

Translated: "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."

"OH, DON'T FUSS - I JUST CUT MYSELF, IT'S NO BIG DEAL."

Translated: "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt."

"I CAN'T FIND IT."

Translated: "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."

"WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?"

Translated: "What did you catch me at?"

"I HEARD YOU."

Translated: "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next three days yelling at me."

"YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE."

Translated: "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."

"YOU LOOK TERRIFIC."

Translated: "Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit, I'm starving."

"I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE."

Translated: "No one will ever see us alive again."

Rules Guys Wish Women Knew

2008-03-16T12:25:00.000-07:00

Rules Guys Wish Women Knew

1. If you think you are fat, you probably are. Do not ask us. We refuse to answer.

2. Learn to work the toilet seat. If it's up, Put it down.

3. Do not cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then, you are stuck with her.

4. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again!

5. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you do not want to hear.

6. Sometimes, we are not thinking about you. Live with it.

7. Do not ask us what we are thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation and monster trucks.

8. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or thechanging of the tides. Let it be.

9. Shopping is not a sport, and no, we are never going to think of it that way.

10. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.

11. You have enough clothes.

12. You have too many shoes.

13. Crying is blackmail.

14. Your ex-boyfriend is an idiot.

15. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work. Strong hints do not work. Obvious hints do not work. Just say it!

16. No, we do not know what day it is. We never will. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.

17. Yes, peeing standing up is more difficult. We are bound to miss sometimes.

18. Most guys own three pairs of shoes. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?

19. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers toalmost every question.

20. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That is what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

2008-03-16T12:15:00.000-07:00

------------------Before Marriage.....
Boy: Yes, At last, It was so hard to wait.
Girl: Do you want me to leave?
Boy: NO! Don't even think about it.
Girl: Do you love me?
Boy: Of course! Over and over!
Girl: Have you ever cheated on me?
Boy: NO! Why are you even asking?
Girl: Will you kiss me?
Boy: Every chance I get!
Girl: Will you hit me?
Boy: Are you crazy! I'm not that kind of person!
Girl: Can I trust you?
Boy: Yes.
Girl: Darling!

After marriage.......................................................................JUST READ IT FROM BOTTOM TO TOP ..........

2008-03-16T06:06:00.000-07:00

Elderly jokes

An 85-year-old widow went on a blind date with a 90-year-old man.When she returned to her daughter's house later that night, she seemed upset."What happened, Mother?" the daughter asked."I had to slap his face three times!""You mean he got fresh?""No," she answered. "I thought he was dead!"

2008-03-16T05:56:00.000-07:00

Teacher joke

A schoolteacher asked her primary six class to construct sentences with the words: defeat, detail, defense.There was a pause before a pupil raised his hand and said he could make a sentence with them; "The cow jumped over defense and detail went over defeat."

Aeroplane joke

While taxiing at London Gatwick, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdalemade a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are yougoing! I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there.I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between 'C' and 'D', but get it right!" Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?" "Yes ma'am," the humbled crew responded. Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out in Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"

funny pictures

2008-03-16T05:43:00.000-07:00

2008-03-14T05:56:00.000-07:00

A very insulting parrot
This elderly lady, recently widowed, decides to see if a pet will ease her loneliness and goes to the pet store. She decides against puppies, kitties, etc., and is about to leave the store when she hears a voice saying, "My, do you look lovely this afternoon, madam."

She turns around quickly to see who has spoken, but there is no one. All she sees is a big green parrot, resting on his perch in his cage. "Did you say that?" she asks.

"Why, yes, I did!" he replies. "And may I add that dress is a very nice color for you."

The lady suddenly realizes how nice it would be to not only have a talking parrot, but one that paid such nice compliments. So she pays for him and takes him home. On the way, she says, "You know, I am so proud of you that I believe I'll take you out for dinner! Would you like that?"

The parrot says, "Why yes, that would be delightful. I know a charming place on 7th Street."

So they arrive home and the lady progresses upstairs to her room to change for dinner, bringing the parrot along, of course. When the woman enters the building, the parrot begins complaining, swearing, and even bit her once.

Well, the woman is flabbergasted! She grabs the parrot by the throat, marches down the stairs into the basement, and stuffs the parrot in the freezer. She leaves him there in the freezer for five long minutes before taking him back out. The parrot is very cold.

She says, "Well? Have you learned your lesson? I will not tolerate such language in my house!"

The parrot says, "Okay, okay, I promise it won't happen again. I am deeply sorry."

Within five minutes, he is cursing again and bit her once on the arm and once on the finger.

The lady is absolutely stunned. She rips the parrot out of his cage, goes down the stairs, into the cellar, and, slam, into the freezer. This time, she leaves him in there for fifteen minutes.

When she finally takes him out, the parrot is one step away from death. He is shivering and has light frost on the beak. "I swear it will never ever happen again! I will never insult you again! I promise!" As he thaws, he looks up at the lady and says, "I do have one question though. That turkey in there, what'd he do, attack you?"